Hi! :)

  Hi! :)
  Paper sheets can't speak, you imbecile.
  Paper sheets can't select an answer, you imbecile.
  Paper sheets can't read, you imbecile.
  Paper sheets can't go on Internet, you imbecile.
  ...

What would be your ideal dimensions?

  21cm * 29.7cm.
  24cm * 32cm.
  17.6cm * 24cm
  28cm * 39cm
  A4
  B5
  F138
  1.60m
  What the f**k are "m" and "cm"?

Are you clean?

  Extra white!
  Light beige. Ideal for drawings!
  Graph paper.
  Yes. I took a bath one day ago.
  Yes. I took a bath today.
  No
  I was. Being a sheet of toilet paper is sad...
  I was until a 6-year old child drew on me :(

Where were you born?

  From the belly of my mother.
  I fell from a tree
  In a factory
  I was recycled
  IDK
  In a shop

A deadly pencil is running at you.

  NOOO! NOT ME PLEASE!!
  I don't care. I am already so dirty anyway.
  Pencils don't run, you imbecile.
  Oh yeah! I love the contact of the lead on me!
  I can't see, you imbecile.
  ...

Someone put you in a printer.

  At least, it's better than in a packing.
  Please don't print the face of Justin Bieber on me!
  I heard that yellow ink was good for sunbathing...
  How could you put a person in a printer?
  YES! Being printer is so exciting!

Your girlfriend has been torn, foiled and then thrown in a bin, just in front of you.

  I don't have any emotions, you imbecile.
  I told you that I can't see, you imbecile.
  NOOOOOOOOOOOO! It has been only 1 hour!
  Anyway she had a grade D+ on her face.
  Wait, it that such torture possible?
  IMMA COMING YOU SINGLE SHEETS!

Oh no! I just spilled water on you!

  Nooooooo... *dies*
  Hey! It will give me wrinkles!
  Meh
  Hopefully it will clean my horrendous contents.
  I SUE YOU IN DA COURT!!!!

A pair of scissors is laying on your left.

  Accept your fate.
  NOOOOOOOOO! Don't kill me please!
  Switch to rock.
  "Hey scissors, do you talk?"
  I am protected with a plastic cover. Ha!
  Meh